Hi Coco,

Can I be real with you for a second? 

I’ve had so many moments when I thought, "If my kid would just listen, I wouldn’t have to yell all the time!"

Or

"If they weren’t being so disrespectful, I wouldn’t be losing it right now!”

In the heat of the moment, those thoughts feel so true. It’s almost like I have no choice but to react the way I do.

But here’s the thing—blame is sneaky. It doesn’t always show up as full-on finger-pointing. Sometimes, it’s just a quiet thought, a frustrated sigh, a snap we didn’t mean to make. And before we know it, we’re deep in it.

What Is It?

Blame is our brain’s way of saying, "This is not my fault!" 

It’s how we explain or excuse our reactions, especially when we’re feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or just DONE.

And honestly? It makes total sense. 

Parenting is hard, and when our kids are having a rough time, it’s super easy to point fingers at them, the situation, or ourselves.

The problem is, blame doesn’t actually help. It might give us a quick release, but it keeps us stuck. 

We start to believe we have no choice but to yell, nag, or threaten.

And then the cycle continues... nothing changes, and we just feel worse.

Three Sneaky Ways We Fall Into the Blame Game

1.“If he wasn’t disrespectful, I wouldn’t yell.”
I’ve said this more times than I’d like to admit. When your child pushes your buttons, yelling becomes automatic—like it’s the only thing you can do. 

And hey, I get it. It feels like they caused the yelling.

But here's the truth that hit me:

I have a choice!

Even when I’m triggered.

Even when I’m tired.

Blaming my child for my reaction took away my power to change it. When I started owning how I responded (even when it was messy), I could start doing things differently, and that felt so good.

2.“If he listened, I wouldn’t nag.”
Ah, the nagging loop. I didn’t even notice how often I was repeating myself, reminding, pushing... until I stopped and paid attention. It was exhausting—and it wasn’t working.

Instead of blaming my kid for not listening, I started looking at the pattern.

What was I nagging about? What was stopping my child from following through? Was I clear? Were my expectations realistic?

Once I followed the data (not just my feelings), I could shift from reacting to responding. That tiny shift? It changed everything.

3. “You’d better calm down, or you’ll lose your phone.”
Threats. They come out fast when we’re in the thick of a meltdown. And sometimes, they just spill out before we can think.

Here’s what I noticed: After throwing out a threat, I’d often feel regret.

Not because I didn’t want boundaries, but because the threat wasn’t helping either of us calm down. It just escalated things.

Now, I try to pause (even for a second) and ask myself: How do I really want to show up right now—and what does my tween or teen need most from me?

That quick check-in often helps me respond in a way that feels better—something I won’t beat myself up about later. Remember, it’s not about being perfect; it's about being intentional.

So, How Do We Shift Out of Blame?

I’m not about quick fixes, but I do believe in small steps that add up. Here are three that have helped me shift out of blame and into a space where I feel more in control (and a whole lot calmer):

Awareness: Face the Facts
Start noticing when you’re blaming. No judgment, just notice. How are you feeling? What triggered you? Awareness is the first step—and it’s powerful.

Accept What’s Happening (Without Shame)
This part is huge. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t spiral into I’m the worst mom ever. Just accept what’s happening, like: Okay, this is hard. This is what it is right now. No blame. No shame. Just compassion.

Adapt: Choose for the Better
In the moment, ask yourself: What’s one small thing I can do differently? Maybe it’s pausing. Maybe it’s softening your voice. Maybe it’s walking away for a second. These little choices build up and shift the whole energy.

The Takeaway

Blame feels easy in the moment, but it keeps us spinning our wheels. When we take responsibility for how we show up, we feel more empowered, connected, and less reactive.

You don’t have to be perfect.

Just start noticing. 

Stay curious.

Believe that you can respond differently—and that small choices really do lead to big changes.

And remember: We’re all figuring this out, one moment at a time.

Want support to break free from the blame game?
In our Mom’s Coaching Group, we work through the messy stuff—those moments when you lose your cool, feel stuck in the same patterns, or just don’t know what else to try. 

Together, we learn to respond with intention, stay grounded through the chaos, and rebuild connection—without blame, shame, or judgment.

✨ Let’s chat: Set up a free Discovery Call and see if the group is the right fit for you.

We’re here to walk beside you every step of the way.

Warmly,
Coco