Hello Coco,

I want to share a story with you that captures something many children with ADHD experience—but often can’t explain.

It’s about a boy named Max.

Max walked into school every day, bracing himself.

He expected to be corrected.
Sometimes criticized.
Occasionally embarrassed in front of his classmates.

He hated that he blurted things out without thinking. He hated that his mind wandered when the teacher was explaining something important.

And he especially hated how long it took him to finish his work.

Sometimes, it took him three times as long as everyone else.

That meant extra work coming home. More reminders that things felt harder for him than they seemed to be for everyone else.

Mornings weren’t easy either.

Getting out of bed felt overwhelming. Arguments with his parents often started before the day had even begun. Some mornings, he complained of stomach aches, and more days than not, he arrived at school late and already discouraged.

His parents loved him deeply. They were trying their best.

But like so many families raising children with ADHD, they didn’t yet understand what was happening beneath the surface.

They only saw the negative behavior.

They didn’t yet see the struggle.

So they did what most of us have been taught to do when children are struggling.

They tried to discipline it away.

And honestly, that’s what most of us were taught to do.

Many of us grew up with a simple idea about discipline:

Reward good behavior.
Punish bad behavior.

On paper, it sounds logical.

But when it comes to children with ADHD, it often falls apart.

Children with ADHD frequently struggle with skills like impulse control, emotional regulation, working memory, and task initiation.

These are brain-based challenges—not signs of laziness, disrespect, or defiance.

When a child doesn’t yet have the skills needed to meet an expectation, rewards and punishments seldom solve the problem.

Punishments can leave them feeling ashamed or defeated.

Rewards rarely motivate them the way we expect.

And parents are often left wondering why nothing seems to work, despite their best efforts.

Everyone ends up frustrated.

The parents feel exhausted.

The child feels like they are constantly falling short.

And the cycle continues.

When our child is struggling with behavior, our first instinct is usually to ask:

“How do I stop this behavior?”

It’s a natural question.

We want things to go more smoothly.
We want our homes to feel calmer.
We want our children to succeed.

But there is another question worth asking.

Instead of asking how to stop the behavior, we can ask:

“What is this behavior telling me about what my child needs right now?”

Because behavior is communication.

Especially for children whose brains are still developing the skills needed to manage frustration, transitions, distractions, and overwhelming emotions.

When we look beneath the behavior, we often discover something important.

Our child isn’t trying to give us a hard time.

They’re having a hard time.

I remember working with a mom named Kim who was growing increasingly frustrated about something that seemed simple.

Her son’s shoes.

Every day he came home, kicked them off near the front door, and left them there.

Every day, she reminded him to put them in the closet.

And every day… the shoes stayed on the floor.

After weeks of nagging, she finally paused and asked him about it.

His answer made perfect sense.

When he got home, he kicked off his shoes and ran straight to the bathroom.

By the time he came back out, the shoes were out of sight—and completely out of mind.

He wasn’t ignoring her.

He forgot.

Once they understood the problem, the solution was simple.

They placed a basket near the door where he naturally kicked off his shoes.

Problem solved.

Now, it might have been faster in the moment to say:

“No electronics until you start putting your shoes away.”

But that wouldn’t have solved the real problem.

Curiosity and collaboration did.

And this is what begins to happen when we start looking beneath the behavior.

Instead of asking:

“What consequence should there be?”

We begin asking:

“What might be getting in the way for my child?”

Is the task overwhelming?
Did they forget what they were supposed to do?
Are they feeling discouraged because things have been hard before?

Over the years, I’ve worked with many parents who say things like,

“Every time I ask her to do something, she says no.”

Or,

“He just sits there staring at his homework until we finally lose our patience and yell.”

Punishment doesn’t help in those moments.

In fact, it often deepens the feelings of shame and discouragement that are already there.

But when we become curious about the struggle underneath the behavior, we open the door to something much more powerful.

Helping our children build the skills they need.

And when we start seeing behavior this way, everything begins to shift.

Mistakes become opportunities to learn.

Struggles become clues that help us understand our children better.

And discipline becomes less about controlling behavior and more about supporting growth.

Because at the end of the day, our children don’t need more punishment.

They need understanding.

They need guidance.

And they need adults who are willing to look beneath the surface and ask a different kind of question.

Instead of asking how to stop the behavior, we ask what it might be trying to tell us.

And that small shift in perspective changes everything.

With love & respect,

Coco & Vicky