Coco,

Parenting comes with a lot of “shoulds.”

My child should be able to get ready on time.

They shouldn’t need so many reminders.

Homework shouldn’t take this long.

They should be able to handle social situations better.

And then there are the shoulds we place on ourselves.

I should be more patient.

I shouldn’t lose my temper.

I should know what to do.

I should be able to handle this better.

Should. Should. Should.

It’s exhausting.

Over time, we collect these “shoulds” from all kinds of places.

Some come from the way we were raised. The messages we received about the “right” and “wrong” ways to behave can become deeply ingrained.

Some come from school, family, friends, and all the messages we’ve absorbed about what kids are “supposed” to be doing at a certain age.

And some come from comparison.

We see another child managing something easily and wonder why ours can’t.

We see another family who seems to have it all together and wonder what we’re doing wrong.

And, of course, social media gives us endless opportunities to compare our everyday lives to someone else’s highlight reel.

Before we know it, we’ve created a picture of who our child should be—and who we should be as parents—often based on unrealistic and unattainable expectations.

That’s a heavy load to carry.

So what if we put some of those shoulds down?

Not the hopes we have for our kids.

Not our boundaries or expectations.

And certainly not our desire to help them grow.

Letting go of the “should” doesn’t mean letting go of the expectation.

It means letting go of the judgment attached to it.

It means starting with what is.

My child isn’t able to manage this independently yet.

Transitions are really hard for them.

They need more reminders than I expected.

I’m exhausted today.

I didn’t handle that the way I wish I had.

This is where we are right now.

No judgment. No shame.

Just information.

And from there, we can get curious.

Instead of:

He should be able to do this.

We can ask:

What’s getting in the way?

Instead of:

She shouldn’t need me to remind her again.

We can wonder:

What support does she still need?

And instead of:

I should be more patient.

We can ask ourselves:

What’s making this so hard for me right now?

Because “should” tends to keep us focused on the gap between where we are and where we think we’re supposed to be. It takes us out of the present moment.

Instead of seeing what’s right in front of us, we’re measuring it against what we expected, what someone else is doing, or what we imagined things would look like by now.

Curiosity brings us back.

It helps us see what’s happening right now and figure out what might help next.

Maybe your child isn’t where you thought they’d be by now.

Maybe parenting doesn’t look the way you imagined it would.

Maybe you’re not the endlessly patient, always-calm parent you once thought you’d be.

That’s okay.

You don’t have to solve it all today.

You don’t have to hurry your child along.

And you don’t have to keep measuring yourself against some impossible standard of what a “good parent” looks like.

You can slow down.

Take a good look at the child in front of you.

Take a compassionate look at yourself.

And meet both of you right where you are.

Sometimes letting go of the “should” is what finally gives us room to see what is—and decide, without judgment, where we want to go from here.

What might change if you put down the weight of the “shoulds”—even just for today?

What would you do differently?

Warmly,

Coco and Vicky

P.S. Vicky and I are hosting a FREE Heart to Heart Hour this Friday! We’re keeping it casual—just a chance to connect, talk about all things back-to-school, share what’s coming up for families, and answer a few questions. We’d love to have you join us! [JOIN US HERE]